How to Write Porn

New Years resolutions are passé, but here we are, I’ve dedicated the fresh year to build a pornographic content empire. Because it relies on self-publishing, self-promotion, and of course a little bit of masturbation, I am thinking of it as my second job. Currently unpaid, but perhaps in the future very much paid.

There’s no way to lose writing and self-publishing erotica. Best case scenario, you earn a little supplemental income to buy beer with. Second best case scenario, you turn erotica into a full time career.

That said, let’s talk porn. (I know the correct term is “erotica,” but let me enjoy the idea of “writing porn for a living.”)

Step One: Filthy Ideas

I take a lot of inspiration from things that get me off. Something I saw in porn, something grody I thought about driving back from work, etcetera. This is the easiest part. Sex is illogical, and what you’re attracted to is even sillier, so none of this has to make a lick of sense.

At this stage, I’m not thinking at all about characters. The most important thing is to decide on the particular sex act. It’s a bit like choosing to watch a porn based on the dubious titles, like “forest public sex blonde.”

Step Two: Open a Word Doc

I prefer Drive for this, because it’s almost unlimited storage and I can continue writing on any computer that has internet. If Google ever was hacked, the whole world would know I am a total perv and erotica hobbyist.

There is no magic ritual for this, or “quiet place” where I need to focus. I don’t believe in babying the muse. Just sit down and start writing something, anything. If it sucks a butt you can go back later.

Step Three: The Act of Writing

I have found the perfect amount of words per day to write in my erotica: 500.

This is enough work to complete a 5,000 word short story draft in a quick amount of time, while also keeping me interested in the project. I also don’t feel like I’m working myself into the grave (see: NaNo WriMo).

If you stink at writing, I cannot help you. My best tip about erotica is be mindful of where the body parts are in your scene, because it’s a bit like playing literary Twister sometimes. My second best tip is to beware of changing verb tenses; most sex scenes are best in the present tense. For instance, “she licks the tip of his cock,” vs. “she licked the tip of his cock.”

Step Four: Upload and Promotion

This is being lumped into one step because I’m not a coder and I’m still learning how to make eBooks look “okay” on Amazon. Since I paint my own covers, I also have no advice of graphic design. The truth is, this is the area I feel most like an idiot in. I’m a fool. A fool who writes. And since this is all so very DIY, I recommend you do a lot of Googling and relax. If you don’t have any fancy formatting in your work, you can always upload a Word doc, no prob.

Promotion, I know more about. This year, I plan on accomplishing the following tasks to build a readership:

-Blog several times a week with free content and helpful content here.

-Tweet 3x a day, as well as interact heavily with friends and fans.

-Release a total of 30 titles for the year on Amazon, all .99 and about 5k words long.

-Create all of my own artwork for blog images and covers.

Step Five: Optimism

Yes, there is a lot of erotica out there with probably better writing and a lot more attractive covers. But you know what? I’ve almost made $7 bucks selling my two little stories (yes, perhaps to friends) and I still feel hopeful. It’s time to evolve out of “I wish I was making a living doing erotica” to “let’s actually try to make a living doing this.”

I feel like this blog is more for my edification than yours, but I hope you don’t want to egg my car now.

Let’s end this piece with a motivational quote I made up.

If you don’t work extremely hard every day, you will be locked in jailed and then executed within a fortnight.” – Mintie Price

xxx