What A Penis Feels Like Inside a Vagina

You may be reading this with some serious concerns about penises entering vaginas: I don’t blame you. There are a lot of inappropriate and confusing metaphors that people have come up with about penises + vaginas. For instance, keys and locks or hidden sausages. But a penis doesn’t jiggle around to “unlock” a vagina, and it certainly does not taste like a wonderful hot Bratwurst.

I prefer the metaphor of a large, fleshy thumb that likes to give your vagina a thumbs-up over and over. If a man likes what he sees, i.e. your naked breasts or even just a pair of pants you’re outgrowing, The Sacred Thumb will harden in ready approval.

Let’s start with the appearance of the dick:

This hardened appendage can look like a number of shapes. Sometimes it will look like a golf ball at the end of a car antennae, sometimes a white grub worm, occasionally like a fleshy sea cucumber. Most penises are crooked, as if shoving them to one side of blue jeans for years made them prefer a particular direction.

There is an ancient, common lie about the appearance of penises that has trickled down through human times. This falsehood is that penises are beautiful to look at: not true. External genitals are hilarious to look at, flop around when the man runs, and make great graffiti because even the sloppiest hand-drawn penis is pretty accurate.

But you should never be afraid or horrified by its appearance, mostly because when it comes down to you unbuttoning his pants and yanking down his sweaty boxers or boxer briefs or briefs, you will already love to behold it. This misshapen thing will be attached to the man you want to hold, and therefore it will be a lovely, helpless, blind little nugget which you will want to smash up inside of your vagina.

Circumstances leading up to insertion:

What do men desire? What makes their penises hard? It’s impossible to know this for certain. I believe that most men are looking for some version of Olivia Newton John at her peak: smiling, willing, luxurious hair, singing about how tightly she’s locked up her vagina until she met their penis.

In seriousness, you’re probably already a celebrity at making dicks rush with blood and you never even realized it. Laugh when they deliver a pun, laugh when they do imitations of their mother and coworkers, and laugh when they fake sing. Laugh all of the time, loud and jolly like a Santa, and you will have a penis inserted into your vagina before the night is up.

The grand finale:

You’ll be wet. His fool smile, the soft puff of his hair, the gross way his mustache hairs go up into your nostril, his terrible puns, the stinky smell of his armpits: everything will work together like a big boiling magic vat of lust. You won’t even know why you’re attracted to the enormous pimple to the right side of his nose, but you will be. It’s a horrible, grody mystery that I’m not even sure I understand, and I also hate a little bit. You’ll feel like a little flower on the ground, and you’ll want him to stomp you and crush you into tiny flower pieces all over. Then, you’ll want him to spit on you and fart on you (in flower form) and call you the stupidest, ugliest, most wretched flower that ever tried to pop its head up out of the ground and grow. It’s just like this and I’m sorry.

Because you’re so wet, he can just pop that pup right into your beautiful vagina and do the wiggling dance of back and forth. The first time the penis enters: bliss. From there, the good feeling will come in waves. Sometimes he will hit a special spot inside of you which will make you feel like you’re having wonderful grownup porn star sex. Then other times, it will feel like getting an inside-of-the-vagina handshake that feels “just okay.”

If the penis is thick, it may hurt you a little bit on the sides. If a penis is too long, it will feel like he’s digging around inside of your stomach for leftovers (this is especially true if he folds you in half). If it’s too crooked, you may feel like you’re being tugged by a fleshy fish hook.

My non-medical advice is to focus on his face, and feel especially filthy about it. This is the face of the man you want to fuck, and inside of you, his blessed, misshapen penis. The whole exchange will feel like being pushed into a cold pool as a prank, or something base and animal. Two blobby naked bodies moving back-and-forth, using their genitals to say “I think you’re wonderful to behold.”

In short, the penis feels nice inside of a vagina. Like a tickle. You’ll like it.